In the month of November, traditionally, we pray for the dead. However, this month, we offer prayers especially for parents who have lost a child. “There are no words” said Pope Francis when it comes to offering consolation to parents who have lost a child. Indeed, even the little number of reflections here testify to that. The grief from losing a child is perceived to be more painful than the passing of a spouse or a parent.
There is a Chinese saying that affirms this: 白发人送黑发人. It literally translates to “a white-haired person sends off a black-haired person”. It is often quoted to mean that the death of a child before his or her parents will bring extreme grief to the parents. For it is usually, the child who sends off the parents, and not vice versa.
When my grandma lost her son (my uncle) to a car accident, she was utterly devastated. My late uncle was around 22 years old at that time and was the most educated of the siblings. He was a risk-taker, and had curiosity as large as the world. He was the youngest and was doted upon the most. She lost one of her beloveds. Nothing could soothe her pain. Until, my eldest brother came into this world, she was distracted of her pain by taking care of him. However, However, the pain never really went away and even up to when I was in my teens, my grandmother would talk about the pain of her loss. Yet, my grandma was already considered “lucky”, she still had other children and grandchildren. Many, today, have only one child, and the loss of them, is exceedingly painful. There are no words which can adequately describe that pain.
Yet, maybe we can find some solace from the words of Ronald Rolheiser, OMI, when encountering death. He says, “Every good person shapes the infinite life and compassion of God in his or her unique way. When that person dies, we must seek him or her among the living. Thus, if we want a loved one’s presence, we must seek him or her out in what was most distinctively him or her, in terms of love, faith, and virtue.”
I believe that it was in taking care of us where our grandma found her son again, and she celebrated his life by teaching us to study hard, to be curious like him, and by making us one of her beloveds.
Joel Leong, SJ
1st year Philosophy, Loyola School of Theology